Those notes you wrote me, I've kept them all

I miss my friends.

I've been coming to terms with the idea that my version of friendship vastly differs from other peoples'. I always just considered myself a low-maintenance friend. But what that means is that once we're friends, that's it. No questions. No reevaluation unless you tell me we are no longer friends, or you do something undeniably and purposefully cruel to me.

You can show up on my doorstep or in my messages or give me a call and I won't question it. If you need a ride to the airport or a pet sitter or just someone to connect with, my friends can hit me up. It doesn't matter if it's been 2 days, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. I will be thrilled to see you.

But I'm learning that's not reality for most people. And y'all may think I'm daft, but I don't think I ever really realized how pervasive the alternative concept of friendship is. This is going to seem really obvious when I type is out (so you're going to have to take my word that it wasn't obvious to me), but I didn't realize that most people think that if your friends aren't actively checking in with you, then they've abandoned you and you aren't friends anymore.

I run hot and focused. Which is ironic, because I have ADHD and my feet are always cold. But what I mean is that if I'm paying attention to someone, I will often give them all my energy, all my love, all my support. Or, I put all my effort into my work, or school, or kids, or hobby. Everything I do gets my 100%. But it drains me, and it means I don't have much time or energy or recognition left over to do the maintenance work - the check-ins, the regular updates on the mundane life stuff, the day-to-day communications that apparently define most friendships.

And because I had the assumption that we're always going to remain friends, I've been blindsided more than once when people accuse me of abandoning them, or rejecting them, or leaving them. Meanwhile, I'm blissfully unaware that they're feeling that way until the bomb is dropped that they're not going to be friends anymore. I wasn't MIA because I stopped caring. I was just trusting that the bond didn’t need proof to remain real. I assumed we were all just living our lives and we would circle back together, because I love you for who you are, not how much energy you offer to me. And I wish I could say that when I'm written off, I move on. But I don't. I still love them.

I still love Jas. And Megan. And Jess. And Fabian. And Tyler. And Shaundra. And Mike. And Jordan. And Brandon. And Mikayla. And all the people who just wrote me off because they thought I'd already written them off, or thought... something. You're still in my thoughts. I still cherish the memories we have together. I still wonder what you're up to and wish it was easy to check up on you. But my check-in timelines are never aligned with others', and it's left me with just the friends who run on the same timeline as me.

I'm very grateful for Corey, Ocean, Robyn, Alyssa, and all the friends who are equally content with living full lives and then circling back around to connect, update each other, and create more memories together.

Honestly, I miss the days where people had MSN statuses that I could look at and get a sense of how they were doing. I miss the days of livejournal, where people could pour our their souls en masse and it was so much easier to reach out to more people at a time. Yes, I know Facebook and Instagram exists, but it's not the same. Soul bearing on Facebook comes with so much ick when you've got ex colleagues and extended family and old aquaintences on there. It seems so much more impersonal, or curated, on Facebook.

I remember that Livi, Megan and I used to pass around a journal in high school. We'd update it, then pass it to the next person. It was communication, comraderie, connection. I remember La Vie Posse, where we would update a shared livejournal. And now? Life is busy. I don't have the energy or flexibility to meet up with people as easily, or even just hold conversations. Having two kids, a full time job, a husband, a life, it gets complex and restricting.

I miss the freedom of being able to see my people every day. I miss having those meet up places. I miss my friends. I miss it all (okay, maybe I don't miss the emotional exorcism that I went through on the regular -- life is definitely calmer now).

I sometimes wonder if they miss me, too.

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♪♫ I missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me? ♫♪